


Aishieru Sunzen no Eien (I'm always about to love you)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Just Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Doubt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 19:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15080618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Don’t pretend you haven’t known forever I was in love with you.”“You’ve never hidden that, but you’ve never told me.”“I'm telling you now, Ko. I love you.”





	Aishieru Sunzen no Eien (I'm always about to love you)

Yabu didn’t want to get out.

He didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t want to see anybody.

It was the first time since he had joined the Jimusho.

He had always accepted the impossible schedule, the unbelievable load of work, never complaining about it.

And now he was giving up facing just the shooting for their new PV, as if they had told him he had to walk blindfolded toward the gallows.

He had showered, slowly, he had had breakfast, slowly, and he had gotten dressed, _slowly._

When he had looked at the clock, he had bitten on is lower lip.

It was pointless to keep lingering. He couldn’t avoid work, of course, so being late was pointless as well.

He caved, grabbing his jacket and getting out, slamming the door behind him. As if someone could’ve heard, as if someone could’ve asked him what was wrong.

He tiredly walked to the station, paying little attention to what went on around him, unable to stop thinking about what had happened the day before.

 

_“Don’t pretend you haven’t known forever I was in love with you.”_

_“You’ve never hidden that, but you’ve never told me.”_

_“I'm telling you now, Ko. I love you.”_

_“I’ve got Hikaru.”_

_“I know. I'm asking you to take a decision.”_

It was true, he had always known.

He had never been able to ignore the attentions Kei had always had for him, he had never been able to ignore that there was always something more behind his glances.

And yet they had both just looked at each other, never doing something for their relationship to move to another level, to become something else.

Now it was late, and they both knew that.

But Kota couldn’t keep it out of his mind, he couldn’t accept it.

He cared for Hikaru.

He _really_ did. But when they had gotten together it hadn't been because they loved each other, but only because it had felt like the right thing to do.

They had ended up in bed together too many times, until they had decided to call those nights spent together ‘relationship’.

He found a seat on the train, he leant his head against the window and looked outside, even though all he could see was the darkness from the tunnels.

He didn’t want to reach his destination.

He didn’t want to get to work and see Hikaru’s ever-carefree face, and Kei’s look, full of expectations.

He didn’t want to see anybody.

 

~

 

When Arioka had reached him, he had barely noticed.

He had seen him sit next to him while he got changed, quickly, anxious to get back home after that day which, as expected, had been too long.

He had ignored him, until the younger had started speaking.

“What’s wrong, Yabu?” he asked, his voice low enough not to let the others hear.

Kota turned to look at him, arching an eyebrow.

“Why? Nothing’s wrong.” he replied automatically, too much to be realistic. Daiki smiled, shaking his head.

“If you feel like talking...” was all he said, getting up and making as to leave. Yabu sighed; he had to admit, talking to someone which had nothing to do with the whole thing would've been good for him. Perhaps, if he was lucky, it would've helped clear his mind.

“Dai-chan.” he called him, drawing also the others’ attention on himself. He looked around, embarrassed, bowing a little.

The interested party got back, a sly look on his face.

“What?” he asked, smiling.

“Well... want to go grab a drink?” he asked, blushing a little.

The younger nodded, patting his shoulder.

“Sure. Give me time to get changed and we can go.” he told him, getting away.

Yabu finished getting dressed and walked toward the dressing room’s door; he was about to get out, when Hikaru reached him.

“What is it, Kota?” he asked, frowning. The elder bit his lip.

“Nothing. I'm just going to have drinks with Daiki and then I’ll go back home. I'm tired, today.” he explained, hoping he wasn’t going to ask him to meet later.

The other kept looking at him for a moment, then he nodded.

“Fine, then. Call me tonight?” he asked, smiling.

“Sure, I’ll call you as soon as I’ll get.” he reassured him, trying to smile back to him.

When the younger turned away, Yabu allowed himself to glance at the opposite side of the room.

Kei was there; he looked at him, and Yabu couldn’t read his expression.

He was sad. He was suspicious. And there was that cursed expectation that he wanted to be able to satisfy.

He lowered his eyes and got out without even waving at him.

The whole situation was consuming him.

 

_“You want me to choose between you and Hikaru?”_

_“I want you to choose to be with someone who could actually make you happy.”_

~

 

“What do you mean he asked you to choose between him and Hikaru?”

Daiki looked at him with his eyes wide open.

They were sitting in a bar, in a corner far from indiscreet eyes.

Yabu shrugged, staring at his own hands.

“It means what it means. He said he’s on love with me, that he’s always been. And I...” he hesitated, and the younger came to the rescue.

“And you’re just as in love with him as he is with you.” he told him, arching his eyebrows. Finally, Kota looked at him.

“How do you know that?” he asked, surprised.

Arioka shrugged, as if it wasn’t important, but then he answered.

“I’ve known both of you for years. It has always been clear that there’s something more between the two of you. He gravitates around you, and you always look happier when he’s there. I think it’s something obvious for those who know you.” he explained.

The elder frowned.

“And what should I do? I care about Hikaru and...” he sighed, exasperated. “I don’t know, Dai-chan. I don’t want to hurt him, nor I want to hurt Kei. I don’t know what to do.” he said in the end, taking his head into his hands.

Arioka sighed.

“You have to be honest with him, no matter how tough the truth is.” he murmured, understanding perfectly the doubts the elder was having.

Yabu raised his eyes on him again, nervous.

“How can I tell Hikaru I fell in love with one of my best friends?” he asked, his breath suddenly gotten heavy and his voice grave, while he looked Daiki in search of a solution.

The other shook his head, and he felt like giving up.

“And what do you want to do? Keep pretending everything’s fine? Pretend that Kei didn’t tell you anything and mess with the both of them?” he told him, with such a delicate but firm voice which convinced Yabu he had the right man for the job.

Not that he could solve his problem, because that was something he had to do on his own. But he felt he needed someone to talk to him like that, to tell him how things worked, to hear that there was nothing else he could do but talk to Hikaru.

He looked at his friend; somehow, he felt more at ease now.

“I'm going to tell him.” he murmured, nodding briefly. “Thank you, Dai-chan.” he said then, with a stretched but convinced smile.

“That’s okay, Yabu. I told you, whenever you have a problem, you can always come to me with it.” the other replied, his smile steadier than Yabu’s.

The elder sighed, as if he had lifted a weight off his chest.

He had made a decision.

Now, he just had to act on it.

 

~

 

_“Hikka... it’s me.”_

_“Hi, Kota. Are you back home?”_

_“Yes... I wanted to know if you felt like coming over. There’s something I need to talk to you about, it... it won't take much.”_

_“Give me time to get ready and I’ll be there.”_

Hikaru was in front of him, sitting on the couch with his legs crossed. He stared at him, waiting for the other to start talking.

Yabu looked back at him.

The confidence he had felt before had slowly disappeared.

How could he do this to him?

How could he tell him that what had happened between them these past few months was about to be swept away, that it wasn’t coming back?

How could he make him understand he cared for him, more than he could imagine?

But Daiki was right.

He wasn’t going to keep messing with him.

He wasn’t going to stay by his side when, in the end, his thoughts always ran to Kei.

He didn’t love Hikaru, no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t even imagine to love him like he loved Inoo.

“Yabu, what is it?” the younger asked then, seeing that the other wasn’t talking.

“Hikka... I have to talk to you.” he told him, hesitating.

“I know, you said that on the phone.” the younger replying, his voice betraying a certain nervousness. “I'm waiting.” he added.

Yabu took a deep breath and went sitting next to him.

“Hikaru... I've thought about our relationship.” he started, and saw the other raise his eyebrows, a sarcastic look on his face.

“Please, Yabu. Give me something less obvious if you’re going to break up with me.” he commented, dead serious.

Kota kept quiet, without managing to look him in the eyes.

He knew he wasn’t an idiot. He knew that from the beginning he wasn’t expecting anything good to come from this.

And, despite everything, he couldn’t help but being grateful to him for having cut to the chase before he was forced to, because he didn’t know how he would've gone on.

“I'm sorry, Hikaru. I really am, but...” he sucked in his lips, while the other kept staring at him. “I'm not in love with you.” he whispered.

Hikaru crossed his arms, an undecipherable look on his face.

He didn’t say anything, and Yabu went on.

“I... I don’t know what this relationship means for you. But I know I do care for you, no matter how things are going to be. The fact that we’ve slept together these past months doesn’t change the fact that you’re my best friend. And... I just wish it was the same for you.” he told him, quickly.

Hikaru bit on his tongue, getting up and walking toward the window.

Yabu wanted to get close, touch him, hug him.

But it wasn’t fair, and he knew it. He didn’t have the right to be close to him, not now.

And then, he realized, he still had something to say.

“I thought it could’ve kept going on like this between us. But...” he sighed, tired of beating around the bush. “I'm in love with with Kei, Hikaru.” he said in the end, then he kept silent.

He saw the younger’s shoulders tense.

They both kept still for what seemed like an eternity; when Hikaru turned, anyway, his face looked relaxed.

“That’s fine, Kota.” he said, smiling. “I'm not saying I was expecting it, but... after all we’ve never sworn each other eternal love or something. We’ve slept together, and we both know there’s never been a real relationship.” he said, with a calm and an apparent logic that the elder envied.

“If it’s not fine for you Hikka... if it makes you uncomfortable, I can... well, with Kei. I can avoid it altogether.” he told him, feeling a sharp pain in his chest at the thought of not being able to be with the man he loved. But Hikaru waved his hand, as to say it didn’t matter.

“Don’t worry. It’s not a problem for me. If you love Kei and he loves you back...” he shrugged. “I'm glad for the two of you. After all, you said it yourself, we’re friends first, right?” he asked, rhetorical, and the elder nodded, finally relaxed.

He got close to him now, and he finally hugged him.

“Thank you, Hikaru.” he murmured in his ear. “Thank you, really.”

“I didn’t do anything.” the other replied, shaking his head and hugging him back.

Yabu disagreed, but he didn’t insist.

He thought about how he had felt before talking to him and how he was feeling right now.

He couldn’t help but smiling, thinking about what was going to happen from now on.

He thought about Kei. He thought about what he felt for him, what he had repressed during the years.

He was happy and, no matter what the younger thought, that happiness was also Hikaru’s merit.

He held him tighter.

He felt lighter, finally.

 

~

 

“Are you sure Hikaru’s fine with it?” Kei asked him, crawling toward his side of the bed and resting his chin on his shoulder, staring raptured at him.

Yabu snorted.

It had been over a week, and Kei had asked the same question about a million times.

“I told you so, Kei-chan. He’s fine, he said he’s happy for us. And anyway...” he looked at him mischievously, caressing his back with his fingertips. “I’d say it’s a little late to worry about that, isn’t it?” he smiled to him.

The younger chuckled, bringing his face to the crook of the other’s neck and groaning, satisfied.

“You’re the one who seduced me.” he whined, and Yabu felt him smile against his skin.

“Me? I did nothing of the sort, you’re the one who came on to me.” he pointed out, bringing an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer.

“But you were there waiting, weren’t you?” Kei murmured, more serious now.

Yabu didn’t answer.

He nodded, still smiling. He took his hand, intertwining their fingers together and holding them tight, perhaps hurting him a little, but he didn’t care.

He should’ve been the one to make the first move, a long time ago, and he knew it.

But nothing of that mattered, not anymore.

It didn’t matter who had gotten closer first, only that they were together now, and that he was never going to let go of the hand he was holding.

 

~

 

When he saw them walk inside the green room together, Hikaru felt a sharp pain in his chest.

They weren’t holding hands. They weren’t too close. They were barely looking at each other.

But the bliss on their faces was enough to make him sick.

_After all we’ve never sworn each other eternal love or something._

He cursed himself for how stupid he had been.

But what other options did he have?

Should he have told him not to leave him? Kneel, beg, cry?

Tell him that it had never been just sex for him, nor just friendship?

He had never deluded himself, he had never believed he could truly make him happy.

He had just accepted the situation, settling for what little of himself Kota had given him and refusing to believe he was going to take it away.

_We’ve slept together, and we both know there’s never been a real relationship._

He thought about how he had said those words, and got surprised at how calm he had managed to sound, how the habit had made him so good at lying.

Yabu had said that.

If he had felt uncomfortable, if he was going to suffer, he wasn’t going to hurt him to the point of being with Kei, to show how happy he was.

Hikaru had stepped aside, because it was the right thing to do.

Hikaru had stepped aside, because it was the right price to see that smile on the face of the man he loved.


End file.
